Providers speak of "pain" during cesarean delivery. The patient speaks of "suffering."Learning to see things from someone else's perspective is the first step towards more supportive, holistic, trauma-informed care.
Ever since I was a little girl, all I have ever wanted to be is a mommy. To this day, I still believe it is my highest honor. I just wanted to talk about my journey to get here.
I love being pregnant. I think there is something so sacred and magical about bringing children into the world. While I was carrying my first son, I always imagined what his birth would be like. I just wanted to push my baby out and be able to hold him on the outside for the first time. My water broke on July 3, 2021. I called my doctors, they assured me that it was okay to stay home and rest for a while. I did not feel contractions really, so I just stayed home with my fiancé until the late evening of the Fourth of July. We got to see some fireworks on the way to the hospital.
Before I continue, I just want to say that I hold no anger or resentment in my heart. I only focus on healing and being kind to myself. So, once we arrived at the hospital, it was confirmed that my water had broken. At the time, I didn’t find the exams and the cervical checks to be invasive or anything but after everything, it is hard for me to process. It feels violating and it feels like sexual trauma. Especially after being strapped naked to the table in the O.R.
Some of the details are a little blurry but I’ll try my best to remember the details. I had an I.V. and we started Pitocin. I felt contractions but they were never horrible. I asked for an epidural because the nurses told me it could be a while before the doctors would have time to place it. I remember being tingly in my legs. Never numb. My baby’s heart rate wasn’t responding well and I remember the nurses flipping me over a bunch of times. It started to get hectic and I wish someone tried to explain to me what was happening. There was one nurse that held my hand and I am forever grateful for her. I remember they placed an internal fetal monitor. This was extremely painful and my labia swelled really bad after this. I also wish I knew that the monitor was a screw they twist onto the baby’s head. I’m sorry to my son.
I got a fever after this and we realized I had an infection. I knew once I started swelling I wouldn’t be able to deliver vaginally. I mentally prepared for this but I assumed I would be given some more anesthetic. My baby’s heart rate was dropping and I remember someone saying we have 5 minutes to get baby out.
The O. R. was really scary. It was very bright and freezing cold. I knew I was going to feel intense pain. I was barely even tingly anymore. I remember the cutting and the horrible intense tugging. I was shaking and crying. I threw up at one point. And I think I was blacking out in between. I just kept thinking about my beautiful baby.
At the worst moment of horrible pain, I just wanted to die. I did not want to open my eyes again. I was done suffering. I decided to let go. But then I heard my fiancé say “look at him”. I opened my eyes but my baby was laying in a little bed, hooked up to wires. I couldn’t see him or hold him. They said he needs a lot of help in the NICU. This is the part that broke me. My baby was literally ripped apart from me and I needed him.
I was brought to a different room and my nurse that I love so much climbed on my bed and rocked me back and forth. She stood by me in the O.R. and she knew how I could feel everything. I showed her I could wiggle my toes, we cried together.
I was able to bring my son home after 5 days in the NICU. I thought we can finally heal together, and we did. My son and I overcame so much, we have a special strength. But there will forever and always be a part of me that died that day. I will never be the person I was before.
Sometimes I “talk” to the girl I was before this. I pretend she’s cheering me on saying: “take him (our baby) to the Moon for me!”
And I will.
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